Aug 17th 6:44 am, my dads wife calls to tell me that the man who bears the same name took his own life. Confusion begins its journey through my thoughts. It’s now Aug 18th 10:12 pm. Reminders of life’s past shattered pieces begin to take it’s toll. Many share their sympathy on the internet, a dozen leave messages, a few call. Yet I’m not sure I want to talk. I pretend I’m doing well. But loneliness, something I’m not a stranger to, is beginning to haunt me. I have to stay off of Facebook where it seems to show only the American Dreams that allows everyone to hide their realities. All I can do is rest. Where does my hope come from? It comes from you Lord. Thank God for those who say they are there to talk if I need an those who try calling. But what do I say? What would you say? I’m overwhelmed. Is it going to be the same thing I’ve heard already? What do you say? Nothing. I’m content just to have someone near me. Thankfully I still put my hope and trust in God and not man. If I was to rely on man I would have already been deeply discourage. There are those I looked up to that never bothered to call once. But blessed to my family and friends and few strangers who have reached out. I ask God to bless you in return.

I share this because I’m a bit like my dad. He kept to himself a lot. Though I like my quiet place, I always wish to be sharing the same space. My heart is complexed. My thoughts confused. I’m doing my best to allow love to win over any anger, bitterness and anything that will lead me into depression. Worry is trying to strip me. Surprised that the funeral cost was never fully covered. Facing a fathers own suicide is enough. But now to add onto the battle we need over $4,000 in just a matter of days? Is there mercy to be found? The strength in me has given up. I’m resting only on what the Lord supplies.

What will be the ending result of all this after the chaos goes by? Through this. I watch people continue to live their normal daily lives as if nothing happened. What gives? I’d like to continue like they do. But nothing is the same anymore. The man who bears the same name is dead. A piece of me feels as if it’s been forfeited from this world. I just want to run. Far away from here. No wife, no children, why not. Maybe I should just continue on my spontaneous journey as always. Maybe this will be the breaking point. But for now I need to rest with this shattered heart…